I just want to leave everything behind and start an adventure.
One of my greatest fears is expressing my boredom on social media networks and everyone I secretly dislike (publicly or privately) asks me to do something.
The 13-foot tall and 4.5 ton weighting humanoid robot on wheels with all its 30 hydraulic joints can be operated directly from the cockpit or remotely using a smartphone with a 3G connection.
To compensate for its 6 miles per hour, the robot is equipped with a Gatling gun shooting 100 ball bearings per second. Presently Kuratas are announced to be available in 16 colors, costing $1.28 million per robot, with an optional cup holder for just $90.
I feel like I rarely ever get to show my true self to anyone. Most of my best friends don’t even truly know me. I change everything about myself specifically for whoever I talk to. How I really act, my true dreams and aspirations, my feelings, or anything else about who Eric Scappatura truly is.
Ever since I was a kid I’ve always been able to put on different masks. I could change my entire self to relate to a person or group of people. I could change my beliefs and seem to truly believe them in order to be appealing to that person/people. It’s almost as if I become a different version of myself. I know it sounds crazy but I think it’s true. I could go between so many versions of myself so quickly depending on who I’m with as well.
If you were to take separate people from each of tbe groups I speak to and ask them to tell you as much as they possibly could about me, there would be very few similarities between their answers.
It’s really hard to explain what I do in writing. It’s more of a feeling than something that could be written down. One of those “you’d have to be me” thoughts to fully understand it. Now that I’m finally realizing this and typing it out, it freaks me out. I think I’ve gone on with this charade for so long that I have somewhat forgotten who exactly I am.
I feel as though I initially did this as a kid because I just wanted everyone to like me and I wanted to “fit in somewhere”. But the thing is, how is someone supposed to fit in when they aren’t even themself? Furthermore how is someone supposed to fit in when that person is so many different “people”?
I’m was basically a chameleon. Blending into my surroundings to “survive” elementary/high school.
There are only two people I can think of that may really know who I truly am and only one who knows the real me.
But now I’ve just become a Mirror. Just projecting a visage of what other people think of me or think who I am, different for every single person who looks upon me.
I think it’s time to change.
Because of stupid decisions in my past, I am now suffering the consequences for that stupidity. It’s almost as if I came to a fork in the road and said “Oh look, that’s the way losers go! Yeah that seems like the right decision. So long fame and fortune. So long happiness and self worth. So long success and achievement. So long the life I was meant to live. I found a better life. One filled with regret, sadness, loneliness and failure.”
Two pathways were created, one choice. And as usual I chose the wrong path.
I heard a story once.
Life asked Death.
“Why does everyone love me, but hate you?”
Death’s response was.
“Because you are a beautiful lie… And I am a painful truth.”
Personally I feel as though the words should be flipped. Life is a painful lie.
I am always so tired before I attempt to sleep. But I always end up just sitting hear in an abyss of deep thought. Contemplating everything about life. It sucks so much. I just want my brain to shut off for once. I swear somethings wrong with me
Also I’ve been doing great when it comes to mental health and whatnot recently. But recently I’ve been depressed and mad at everything at night. Idk what’s going on. I guess I miss a lot of people who I wish were still in my life as much as they used to be or wish they were just back in my life all together.
Also I hate everything about my school except for some people. Pretty sure I’m almost failing everything because I’m extremely self destructive.
Gotta break this cycle.
There’s so many things wrong with the world that piss me off probably a bit too much.